September 10, 2026
Leaving him…
The hardest lesson of life thus far.
I never grew up knowing my worth. In fact, I can clearly see now that I grew up experiencing the exact opposite. I lived in low self-esteem valley, never feeling like I was quite pretty enough. That energy, those thoughts and feelings, stayed with me throughout all of my adult life.
I remember, very vividly, the constant search for approval, for a partner, for someone to love me. Why I never realized it was me who had to learn to love myself is astonishing. It’s taken me far too long to come to this realization. To see, once and for all, that I am (and always have been) the prize.
I don’t want to blame my father, but my daddy issues are real and still relevant to this day. I can see reflections of him in almost every man I fell for. There were a few good ones along the way, but if I’m being truthful, they bored me. No drama, no tumultuous arguments, no adrenaline-fueled emotional roller coaster rides. I didn’t know what to do with that level of peace. I thought I needed the chaos. The men I fell hardest for, the ones I let taste me, touch me, or experience the deepest parts of my being, were often bite-sized lowlifes. Opps. Total trash in the grand scheme of things.
That’s hard to admit, because then comes the accountability and acceptance on my part.
Oooh… if only I knew then what I know now.
You see, I now have to accept that I, consciously or subconsciously, chose those men. I chose to lie with filth and then I was crushed when I was covered in it. Devastated by the smell of my own upper lip, yet blinded by the lust that can so often resemble love. The nerve of the ego to see only what it wants and ignore the actual reality depicted right before it.
Ego is a motherfucker.
It paints a pretty picture and you believe it. Once it’s there, you can’t unsee it.
Ego, I’m quite certain, is what made me stay far too long in unkempt places and desecrated spaces. Toxic love filled my lungs and, I can’t lie, it made me high. I inhaled all the pleasure and exhaled the painful disappointments that followed. The unanswered calls and texts, the lack of attention and affection, the cold, lifeless shell that was left once every ounce of my goodness was consumed by them.
I had nothing left for myself.
They emptied out my cookie jar and never even thought to fill it back up. I mean, damn!
I gave up all my Oreos and they never even considered buying back some “chocolate sandwich cookies”?
I would have settled for the generic brand.
Lately, my days are often filled with my brain fighting to keep busy, my hands searching for something to hold onto, and my spirit yearning for rest. I can feel my nervous system tirelessly gripping onto what’s left of my sanity.
Somewhere in the background is that pesky little ego, squinting, still trying to see that pretty little picture it painted before my brain finally ripped the canvas clean off its wooden frame.
There are many moments when I just sit, cry, and wonder.
What if I would have left sooner? What if I never would have fallen at all? What if my daddy actually loved me enough that I could clearly tell when a man did and when a man didn’t truly care for me?
So much to ponder, and rarely do I ever get any clear answers.
Heartbreak is funny like that. It leaves you with so many unwritten love notes, unspoken truths, and plenty of misunderstanding.
I won’t blame the men that surely didn’t deserve me. I won’t blame my father for not loving me the right way. I won’t blame a single soul at all.
Instead, I’ll accept what is, thank God for what I’ve learned, and apply every lesson as I allow my blessings to pour in.
The worst is behind me.
~ Jane
Stay Close
If these words resonated with you, subscribe to receive new journal entries, music drops, and artist updates directly in your inbox.
JANE THREE SIXTEEN 
Leave a comment